I smile and greet those who lock eyes with me. Introductions and the shaking of hands, going through the motions of normal social etiquette in American culture, my motivation and courage solely stemming from the fact that, unlike other situations I have been in in the past, this time I have been provided with a little social nudge. Ice breakers, a surefire way to strike up an interaction. Where are you from? What school do you attend? Are you billingual? I find it funny that while most of these topics are normal ice breakers in an initial introduction, my social anxiety logic tells me I need special authorization to utter these questions to another human being. This official permission in the form of a game of ice breaker bingo actually gives me the courage to…approach people, something that feels like trying to walk through two feet of snow otherwise. I won’t lie, my social anxiety still lingered as I did this, but once the interaction was underway I tried to hide my introversion. They were short interactions because it was mere small talk and, after all, the object of the game wasn’t to chit chat for hours on end, but to find people who alligned with the characteristics on our bingo cards and once we established if that was the case, we moved on to the next person. It wasn’t that bad; it was actually kind of fun. I got this, I thought within the first twenty minutes.

Then, thirty, forty minutes passed of roaming around the restricted area among the chattering crowd. I have not completed my bingo card, but I begin to feel the familiar drained feeling. I slowly made my way over to a bench to call it quits. How many people have I exchanged introductions with? One person broke the pattern of introduce, shake, exchange cards for review, next, by engaging in admittedly off-topic conversation about his long commute up here in a rental car because he had totaled his car, proceeding to then pull out his phone to show me a picture of the moderate damage. I listened attentively and expressed my shock, a learned social cue. That’s what I am really, a listener, an observer. I am not one to engage in small talk, and this small talk I engaged in with each person did not last long, but the small talk with everyone as a whole, and I didn’t even talk to everyone, was enough to give me my daily dose of social interaction.

Despite this, I did end up making one friend. In fact, because he was so nice to me, I managed to be able to break out of my shell enough to ask him for a favor, no two actually, in the same sentence! The vibe that I received from him was that he would gladly do me any favor, and he also said it bluntly as if we were good friends already.

However, I still only call us acquaintances because we still need to get to know one another. As arrogant as it sounds, trying to get to know someone to gradually establish a friendship is hard work for me as an introvert, someone who needs and chooses to revel in ample time to herself.

Of course, amidst this need for me time, I can get lonely and crave human interaction, as is normal for any human being as we are social creatures by nature, in spite of the introverted personality type. So, to remedy this need, I look for friends virtually. No, I don’t mean through social media in which you chat and get to know one another, although I am no stranger to the online dating world. Of course, that is a whole other social realm, despite the inevitable connection relationships have to friendship in order to be healthy.

No, I am talking about establishing an alleged friendship from my own perspective with popular social influencers who are not even aware I exist. It is a one-sided relationship for this reason, but I don’t care because I am still getting gratification from it and I don’t even have to do any work to maintain the friendship. I already know about them because of what they share. Yes, I know that technically who they portray themselves as in the public, digital world is not necessarily who they are after the camera shuts off. Because I don’t know anymore about them than the rest of the world, they are not real friends. I am aware they are imaginary friends. They only exist in my world on my screen, in my own mind, but I don’t care because these “friends” benefit me. They relieve my anxiety, they make me laugh, they make me feel good about myself and help me to improve myself. I don’t even care that I have no listening ear. That is one thing they cannot provide me, but I provide them. As I said, I am a listener, and I don’t mind. I am the open ear when they vent about their problems or just tell me a funny story. I even show them personally my support in the only way I can, leaving a comment, not knowing if they wil notice or acknowledge it, feeling happy and special when they do. That is my way of actively “maintaining” the relationship. It may seem crazy, but I guess I like this kind of relationship because I am afraid of relationships fading because they have for me in the past, but with imaginary friends, I call the shots on the friendship. With imaginary friends, friendship can be eternal, and I can effortlessly and endlessly make as many as I want while real, true friendships are rare and hardly last. It is my ideal world because my imaginary friends help me forget this sad truth.